Building Bridges, Not Barriers: Why Relationships Matter in Advocacy

Not only do I spend a lot of time helping people strengthen their advocacy skills, I also spend countless hours advocating for my own family members. While there are times I’d love to shout and say what I really feel, I believe in the saying: you can attract more bees with honey.

This is why I focus on building relationships – even in challenging situations.

Let me give you a recent example. The transition to a care facility has not been easy for a family member. Due to short staffing, it took a week to get a phone in their room, a care plan hasn’t been developed and we’re still waiting on a TV hookup – despite numerous requests.

This led to a phone call from a family friend, venting her frustration. She told me that she wanted to jump in her car, drive over and give the care facility a piece of her mind. A threat I knew she’d be happy to follow through with as this is her go-to approach to handling challenges. Her favourite saying is: the squeaky wheel gets the oil. She’s definitely enjoys being squeaky.

Unfortunately, this approach often backfires. Yes, shouting and being aggressive gets attention. But it also blows up any potential relationships, making people less inclined to help you in the future.

People remember kindness

Thankfully, this friend was home sick, so she was unable to act upon her frustration, and I was able to step in.

I’m a firm believer of harnessing the power of kindness and building relationships when it comes to advocacy. I called the facility and introduced myself. I explained that I was getting up to speed on my family member’s care and would love to hear about their care plan, supports that have been provided, and what was yet to come.

I started the conversation seeking to understand vs bringing up the deficits. Since most people truly want to help, but sometimes get buried under work or bureaucracy, the conversation was positive. I then mentioned the outstanding items, phrasing them in terms of looking to understand next steps – not assigning blame.  

The result? The outstanding issues were quickly resolved - well, most of them. For the remaining item, I took the same approach: thanking the person for all the changes that were made and asking if they knew the timeline for the last item.

Long-term goal

Since this family member will likely live in this facility for the remainder of their life, my goal wasn’t to get my way and instill fear. Rather, it was to build a relationship for the long term. During our conversation, I took the time to learn about the other person: how long they’ve been in their role and some of the demands on their time.

I then shared my stretches being an out-of-town family member, and how difficult it was helping a loved one get settled from across the country.

I looked for ways, even small ones, to build a connection, knowing this was the first of many conversations to come.

Respect-based communications

Think of your own advocacy conversations. What is your go-to approach? Do you avoid conflict at all costs, talk louder until you get your way or lean into tough conversations?

Now, what are the outcomes? Do people make the changes you’re advocating for? And if so, are they only when you ask or do people go out of their way to help you?

Regardless of your advocacy style, respect-based communications is key to relationship building. It starts with your tone of voice – moving from frustration to curiosity. From there, look at the words you use. Instead of “you” or “I”, shift to “we”. For example, “How can we work together moving forward?” is more effective than “What are you going to do about this?”

Next, be aware of your body language, as 80% of communications is non-verbal. Try to maintain open body language – arms at your sides instead of crossed in-front of you. Open body language shows you’re willing to hear the other person’s point of view.

Finally, end with gratitude. Even if it’s as simple as “Thank you for your time” (because you don’t have much more to be grateful for).

When it comes to school meetings for my child, I often send follow up emails that start with: Thank you so much for taking the time to meet today. I truly appreciate having the time to talk about XX. From there, I recap what was discussed and the next steps.

This is better received than simply emailing: I’m following up on the items we discussed. You said you’d do x, y, z.

Just like all relationships, there will be bumps along the way. When you reach a speed bump, slow down and reassess. Think about how you want to show up and be seen, rather than shooting from the hip.  

Even if it’s someone you might not see again, people do talk. If you want people to respect you, you need to make the effort to respect them too.

As for my loved one, they thanked me for my approach and were happy about the changes that were made. And at the end of the day, their happiness is what matters the most.