Navigating Gaslighting When Advocating for Your Child

Have you ever advocated for your child only to have your words twisted and facts distorted to the point where you question what’s true? Sadly, one real challenge that way too many parents and caregivers face when advocating for their kids is gaslighting.

Wikipedia defines gaslighting as “manipulating someone into questioning their own perception of reality.”

I recently had a parent call me for advice in advocating for their child. She was frustrated with the response she’d received when she’d raised concerns with school board staff about the lack of supports for kids with disabilities and lack of transparency of how resources are allocated. The staff assured her that kids with disabilities are well supported, resources are allocated equitability between schools (with no explanation of what that means or looks like), and the fact her child is falling behind in literacy and numeracy is just because of their autism diagnosis not lack of support.

After countless conversations that went in circles, she left drained, confused and questioning her own observations. Simply put – the school board staff were gaslighting her, making her question her own reality.

So how do you prevent this from happening to you or respond when it’s clearly gaslighting?

Get the facts

My first advice to this mom was to arm herself with the facts. Documented, black and white facts.

In her advocacy, she had been questioning what the learning outcomes are for students with disabilities and was told many students with disabilities aren’t far behind their peers.

No true. Going online we found a large gap in literacy and numeracy rates between the categories students with diverse abilities and all students. Adding to the confusion there was no definition of what the diverse abilities category encompassed.

From there, we were able to drill down even further, finding school district and school specific data.

Many jurisdictions have this information available online. A simple Google search can provide you with the facts you need.

Honour your truth

Here’s the biggest thing about gaslighting – it makes you question what is true for you.

Your truth is based on your personal experience, perspective and reality. Yes, we all have different truths, but that doesn’t mean your truth shouldn’t be respected and honoured.

As parents, we know our children better than anyone. We see their gifts, strengths and stretches.

When I was told my child wasn’t reading in Grade 4 because he was autistic, I pushed back. Literacy struggles are not related to autism but rather tied to a learning disability. After spending $$$ on a private pysch education assessment, my child was diagnosed with dyslexia and other learning disabilities.

As a mom I knew my child was bright. He would listen to his teacher read a book and come home and tell me all about what happened. He uses voice command to research topics of interest on YouTube. He excels in oral presentations as he retains information and has a lot to say.

Mostly importantly, I recognized the fact he wasn’t reading went deeper than an autism diagnosis and ignored the brush off I was getting at the school and searched for answers on my own.

Armed with a dyslexia diagnosis I was able to get him the supports he needed, and place him in a school that was committed to improving his literacy instead of making excuses about his inability to read. Within months he went from not being able to read to reading cartoon books.

Stand your ground

In my advocacy I’m a strong believer of speaking your truth and standing behind your beliefs. This realization comes after years of avoiding conflict and having my beliefs being trampled by others.  

Standing my ground doesn’t mean I’m not open to listening to others. Rather, it’s about truly knowing my truth has value and leaning into tough conversations instead of avoiding them.

When I’m told what I believe isn’t correct, I ask for the data or concrete examples. And if someone says I shouldn’t feel a certain way as I’m taking things out of context, I remind them I have a right to my feelings as they reflect my view of the situation. If they want my feelings to change, let’s talk about what actions need to be taken on both sides – not just mine.

Don’t give up

Advocating for your child can be an uphill battle, especially when faced with gaslighting tactics that leave you questioning your own reality.

This is why it’s so important to honour your truth. Your experiences, observations and instincts as a parent are valid and deserve to be respected. Trust your instincts and don’t let anyone dismiss your concerns without proper consideration.

Remember, that while advocating for your child is a journey filled with challenges, it’s also an empowering opportunity to make a positive impact. Stay informed, trust yourself and don’t back down – your child deserves nothing less.