The Power of Setting (and Respecting) Boundaries
/I recently wrote an article on Why Family Can Be the Most Challenging Advocacy Conversations. Not only did the content strike a chord with readers, it also generated much conversation about the importance of setting boundaries.
Readers had questions on how to set boundaries, share these boundaries with others and enforce boundaries. This is also a hot topic with my coaching clients when it comes to their professional and personal lives.
Since I spend a lot of time talking about boundaries, I wanted to share some tips to help you set and respect your boundaries.
Know your boundaries
If you struggle trying to determine your boundaries, you’re not alone. When I talk about boundary setting with my clients, they’re often at a loss.
So instead of focusing on your boundaries, start by thinking of your triggers. What makes you feel disrespected, unheard, angry, overwhelmed, disappointed and more? This should give you some insights that can help you determine what boundaries need to be set to minimize negative outcomes.
One client struggled with noise. When the room got too loud, she would raise her voice and tell everyone to be quiet – screaming over the noise. This was a big trigger for her. When I asked how she set boundaries around noise, she realized she hadn’t. She assumed everyone knew she didn’t like a loud work environment but never actually told them.
Armed with the knowledge that noise is a boundary, we were then able to zero in on what level of noise, in what situations and why it triggers her. There’s a difference between loud noise at concert vs people having loud conversations while you’re trying to work.
When it comes to self-advocacy, what are the boundaries you need to set? Think of the various scenarios and boundaries needed for each.
Workplace
Medical appointments
Family gatherings
School setting
Personal relationships
…and more
Share with others
This is often the most challenging part – letting people know your boundaries. But guess what? It’s way more difficult to stay silent and let your boundaries consistently be trampled.
Start small with the easy conversations. This could be practicing discussions with a safe friend or stating your boundaries where there’s less emotions involved. Such as – in a restaurant asking for a table in a quiet corner where there’s less noise.
Where possible, it’s best to share your boundaries BEFORE an interaction. For example, when we have guests over, I’m clear on the boundaries needed for my autistic child to feel comfortable. This includes having afternoon vs evening visits, the time they need to leave by (so we can keep our routine) and respecting his need for space if he feels overwhelmed (vs unhelpful comments like we just got here, why are you going upstairs).
When you set boundaries in advance, people are less likely to take it personally.
Another common challenge is family events. In my advocacy work, I often hear how overwhelming Thanksgiving, Christmas and other large family gatherings can be. Especially for people with sensory issues (noise + smells + bright lights = sensory overload).
Once again, trying to set boundaries the day before Thanksgiving dinner or when you arrive, is likely to backfire. There’s a good chance people will take this personally and get offended. But having the conversation a month or two in advance, when there’s less emotions, will allow you to get clear on your boundaries.
Set warning signs
Even though you’ve shared your boundaries, don’t assume people remember them. And don’t wait until they’ve trampled your boundaries to let them know.
Where possible, remind people of your boundaries. Even though I’ve shared boundaries in planning a visit, I remind people when they arrive. And then I give warnings along the way – just a reminder we need to wrap up this visit in an hour. Or while I’d love to keep talking, we need to end our visit.
Same with family gatherings. While we’re looking forward to coming, just a reminder we need to limit our visit to 2 hours. Then saying – this has been fun but we need to leave in 30 minutes. And being firm on leaving at the appointed time.
Afterall, if you don’t respect your own boundaries, how can you expect it of others?
For the client who had noise boundaries, she had a colour coded system for her workplace. Green meant noise levels were fine, orange getting loud and red past her comfort level. Her coworkers liked the system as it was a visual cue and she was happy she didn’t have to say shhhh or shout.
Once you’ve set and shared your boundaries, you’ll need to determine how you will give warning signs that people are encroaching on your boundaries.
Reassess and revise
Just like situations, relationships and circumstances change and evolve, so do our boundaries. Before you go into any potentially triggering or self-advocacy situation, take a moment to reassess your boundaries.
Are there boundaries you’ve set that you no longer require? Do you need to set new boundaries? Or do you need to honour and strengthen your existing boundaries?
When you make any changes to your boundaries, make sure you tell those impacted. Once again, don’t assume they’ll know.
While this may seem like a lot of steps, with some pre-planning, I can promise you taking the time to set, communicate and enforce boundaries will save you much grief, frustration and stress.
Remember, if you don’t prioritize your needs, no one else will.
