Graduation Should Celebrate Every Student—Not Just the Popular Ones

June marks not only the end of the school year, but also graduation season. It’s a busy month filled with elementary and high school graduation ceremonies, proms and other activities aimed at helping students celebrate the completion of an important milestone in their educational journey.

Like many parents and caregivers of graduating students, I sat through my share of speeches at awards day, graduation day and prom. Speeches from students, parents and teachers reflecting on the students’ time at the school, touching on highlights, reminiscing about the past and pontificating about the future.

As I sat and listened, something became apparently clear. The experience that many of the speakers talked about was the experience of a select group of students. The “in” crowd and jocks.

The stories of the collective journey were not stories of events or activities that included all students.

The more stories that were shared, the more uncomfortable, angry and disappointed I became. Looking around, I saw other parents and students wrestling with similar emotions.

Here’s the rub. The students who were excluded throughout their educational journey were again being excluded at their own graduation ceremony!

And who were these missing students? Students with disabilities. Students who struggle with anxiety. Students who experience mental health challenges.

No shared experience

I’ve written before about the normalization of student exclusion. We see it every day in group projects, field trips and other school activities. But having it on full display at a graduation ceremony is another level of frustration.

One of the parents who spoke went on and on about her son’s time at the school. She shared stories of the antics him and his friends got up to over the years, listing off the friends’ names.

What the mom didn’t mention was the names of the students her son had relentlessly bullied over the years. Or the fact that one of his friends had been expelled (no idea why he was highlighted in the speech).

Her son was a student who was a known bully, yet, for whatever reason, this mom was the one selected to give a speech from the parents.

The result. A scattering of students who spent the speech either looking down at their feet, clutching their fists or fighting back tears. Once again, a bully, and their time at the school, was being celebrated and, even worse, being held up as representative of the “shared” experience.

Missing voices

The administration then spoke about how amazing the graduation class has been at bonding as a group, planning events together and supporting each other. They spoke about how this graduating class embodied the school’s values.

Another gobsmacked moment for me.

It was yet another example of how easily administration glosses over the experiences of students who are excluded as simply being part of the high school experience. It’s much easier, and more comfortable to sing accolades and toss around values, than to acknowledge the fact there really isn’t one shared experience.

I would have loved to have heard from the parents of students who spend their time at school on the margins. Or, better yet, have one of these students deliver a speech reflecting on their own experience.

I’m not naïve enough to think this would ever happen. Why? Because speaking the truth is uncomfortable. It’s much better to dress up, put on a smile and pretend everything is sunshine and roses. Even when it’s not.

Isolation vs connection

Following the ceremony, I chatted with other parents. Many of whom looked shell shocked, angry and/or sad after listening to such a distorted version of what was a very tough few years for their grad.

They commented on how disappointing it was to watch their child being re-traumatized at their own graduation ceremony by hearing story after story of “shared” events that they were never included in. Remember that great party (wasn’t invited) or that time we pulled that prank (a handful of popular kids) or…the list went on.

The result – an end of year celebration that further isolates kids who spent their time at school on the margins.

Now I’m not saying this is the time to dig into exclusion and why it happens. But maybe, just maybe, acknowledge that there are students who spent their lunches eating alone, who didn’t get picked for group projects and who never got invited to the parties. Maybe give one of these kids (as there are many) a chance to have a voice at graduation so this group doesn’t end its time at the school on the sidelines.

Acknowledging truths

When we acknowledge the truth, it doesn’t make up or forgive the injustice. But it does shine light on the fact that exclusion is a reality and not every student has a positive high school experience.

I readily admit that I don’t see schools embracing having the marginalized students speak or talking about the reality of exclusion, but there are steps that can be taken to make graduation ceremonies a little less one sided.

• Look at the makeup of the graduating class. Instead of having just one speaker, who likely comes from the popular group, consider including other students in the ceremony in roles such as reading a poem or playing an instrument.

• Review parent, grad and staff speeches ahead of time. Not to edit, but to identify gaps. If only one student experience is being shared, look at including another speaker who balances it out and talks about the quieter moments and personal successes (that are just as important as winning a championship).

• Take a hard look at your school’s values and truly reflect on whether these are being lived every day. Don’t celebrate what’s not happening.

My hope is one day I will sit through a graduation ceremony that includes the experience of ALL students instead of just highlighting moments of a few. A ceremony where students are crying because of connection vs isolation. A ceremony which positively ends a journey vs hammers in the last nail in a painful experience. A ceremony where students are valued.