You Can’t Avoid Caregiver Burnout—But You Can Lighten the Load
/When I first sat down to write this article, I titled it – How to Avoid Caregiver Burnout. But as I was reflecting on my own personal experience supporting my autistic child and adult brother, it became clear this just isn’t possible. However, there are some things you can do to minimize the impact on your mental and physical health.
Let’s start with some stats (who doesn’t love some good stats) to paint the picture of unpaid caregivers in Canada. Thanks to Stats Canada for this information.
52% of women ages 15+ (or 8.4 million women) provide some form of care to children and care-dependent adults – paid and unpaid
32% of women provide unpaid care to children
23% provide unpaid care to adults with long-term conditions or disabilities
56% of unpaid caregivers feel tired because of these responsibilities
1/3 of unpaid caregivers are distressed
I expect many of you reading this article can relate to the numbers above. You’re likely raising a child, supporting a loved one with disabilities or caring for an aging parent. Regardless of your circumstance, the risk of caregiver burnout is real.
While these tips may not work for everyone, what’s important is you find ways to carve space for you.
Prioritize self-care
This was a tough one for me and took YEARS to actually prioritize me. Raising a child with complex medical needs, I was on a never-ending treadmill of medical appointments, advocating for my child and supporting their needs. It never occurred to me that I also needed support. After all, as a mom shouldn’t I put the needs of my child first?
That was until I was approaching my 50th birthday and took a moment to self-reflect. I weighed more than I did before I gave birth, my knees hurt every time I walked up the stairs, I couldn’t keep up with my kids on walks and was constantly tired.
I realized that all my giving had left me drained. And worse, it was impacted my health and ability to be part of their daily lives.
For my 50th birthday I gave myself the gift of prioritizing me. I hired a personal trainer, signed up for regular exercise classes, re-evaluated my diet and changed my lifestyle.
The result – not only did I lose 30 lbs, but my mental health also improved. Without the aches and pains and brain fog I was able to be more present with my family. It also gave me more energy to support and advocate for my child.
Connect with a counsellor
Another positive shift I made was seeing a counsellor regularly. While it took a few tries to find someone who I connected with, it was worth the effort.
Knowing change doesn’t happen overnight, I committed to weekly sessions for 10-weeks. Let’s face it, there was a lot to unpack!
I then shifted to monthly sessions – which have continued for 7 years.
This was a pivotal step in minimizing my burnout. While I couldn’t control the surgeries, medical appointments or therapy, I had a safe place to share my fears, anxiety and stress.
This is huge!! Caregivers also need caring.
I’m open about my journey with counselling as I find this is a step many caregivers are resistant to take but one that has a lasting impact.
Often, we don’t share our true experiences with our friends and family. When they ask how we’re doing, the standard answers are – I’m fine, tired or getting through the day. We rarely go beneath the surface, sharing our true feelings or experiences.
Having a counsellor who is not your friend, but a support person, is a crucial piece of self-care. But to have lasting impact, counselling needs to be a regular part of your routine, instead of something you save for when you’re falling apart.
Seeing a counsellor on a regular basis is no different than exercising regularly. Just like going for a hike once a year isn’t likely going to improve your fitness level, seeing a counsellor infrequently will do little to support your mental health.
Find your community
In my advocacy work, I always share the importance of finding your community. While this is often online, in larger centres there are also in-person support groups.
Personally, I get a lot of support by being a member of autism, ADHD and complex needs Facebook groups. These are safe spaces to hear from others and ask questions.
It can be reassuring to know you aren’t unique in your experience. I often see posts that start with – I feel so alone, followed by details of the challenge. Each time, there are responses from people who’ve navigated a similar obstacle or struggled with the same feelings. While they might not always have the magic solution, knowing others have walked a similar (but personalized) journey can be healing.
Another bonus – most groups allow for the option of posting anonymously. So, if you don’t feel comfortable sharing your name, you can still reach out for advice, guidance or just emotional support.
Ask for help
Finally, don’t be afraid to ask for help. When someone says – if there’s anything you need, let me know – share specific requests. Example – I would love if someone could come over and fold my laundry or watch my kids while I go for a walk.
One tip a new mother shared is when people come to visit, she has sticky notes in the front hallway of help she needs. Visitors can choose a sticky note (or 3) with specific needs. Some are as simple as empty the dishwasher while others might be bake muffins.
The idea is to be clear on how you need help and not being afraid to ask. What’s the worst that can happen? The person says no and the chore doesn’t get done.
Hopefully there are some nuggets here that resonate with you. Again, it’s not realistic to think we can avoid burnout, as there are times in our caregiver journey when the load is too heavy. But there are routines and shifts in mindset we can make that lightens the load for us and our loved ones.
