You Can’t Fight Every Battle: Why Smart Advocates Learn to Say No

When you’re passionate about a cause, it’s easy to say yes when asked to help. But saying yes too quickly is a sure-fire way to drain your batteries. 

This is a hard lesson that took me years to learn. I had a difficult time saying no, thinking, If I didn’t jump into help who would.

But when volunteer overload began to affect my physical and mental health, I realized it was time to take a step back and be strategic on how - and where - I spend my time.

Listen before reacting

When you’re a passionate advocate, it doesn’t take much to get swept up by the emotions of others. I’ve heard many stories that have spurred me into action – without first considering what else was on already my plate.

Since most advocacy stories are filled with emotions, it’s no surprise we get swept away by the call for help.

Being empathetic doesn’t mean jumping in with two feet. Instead, take the time to listen to what’s being asked of you. Ask a few questions, and then let the person know you need time to think about it. Unless it’s something you feel compelled to do, never give an answer on the spot.

There have been many times when an excited “yes” has turned into a “no” after talking it through with my husband or a friend. Simply having a conversation with someone who isn’t emotionally involved can shed light on things you may not have considered.  

Be strategic with your time

Just this week, I got an email with an urgent need for my help. A fellow parent wanted me to advocate to our local school district for more money. She hoped I could use my communications skills to highlight how many kids with disabilities who are being pulled from public education by frustrated parents and caregivers.

While I was empathic to the situation, I knew I didn’t have the emotional capacity to fight this fight. Why? Because I am one of those parents who pulled their kids from the public system after YEARS of advocating for more supports.

I was a member of our school’s parent association as well as the district’s parent association. I even founded a Parents for Inclusive Education group to advocate collectively for change. I spent countless hours listening to other parents, hearing their stories and trying to move the needle.

And yet, despite all our efforts, nothing changed.  

Wanting the best for my kids, I finally threw in the towel and put my kids in an independent school that prioritizes their needs, leveraging their strengths instead of focusing on their weakness.

Now, I’m more strategic with my time. Instead of advocating locally – where the same mindsets prevail - I focus my energy on advocating at the provincial level. After all, it’s the provincial government that sets mandates and controls the funding.

So, where is the best use of your time? Where can you make the biggest impact or experience the least amount of unnecessary stress?

Know your limits

I knew my limits when it came to this recent request. Having had more negative than positive experiences with our local school district, I knew my involvement would only stir up old wounds.

While I completely agree with all the concerns of the other parent, this is not a battle that I have the energy to fight. Nor is it healthy for me, or my family, to re-enter this ring.

We all have limits. Make sure you know yours before you’re asked to give of your time.  

Get comfortable with the word no

Finally, don’t be afraid to say no. You don’t need to give an excuse or justify your reasons.

Sometimes I find when people aren’t comfortable saying no, they talk around it. This leaves the other person confused on their decision - and I’ve even seen people get signed up for things they thought they had declined.  

Think of it like a breakup. We’ve all heard a story about someone tries to end a relationship by sharing all the great attributes about the other person - only to have the partner think they’re recommitting instead of breaking up.  

Get to the point and keep it simple:

“Thanks for thinking of me but I’m going to have to say no”

That’s often all that’s needed.

At the end of the day, only you can protect your time and energy. No one else will do it for you.

I encourage you to take time to get clear on where and how you want to spend your free time. What brings you joy? What advocacy activities are you passionate about? Do you have the time to take on anything else?

A little pre-planning on your part can help you avoid saying yes when you really should’ve said no.