Late Again? Why Mornings with a Neurodivergent Child Are Anything But Routine
/For way too many years, I’ve stressed about getting my child to school on time. I felt this huge burden to watch the clock, get out the door at a certain time and arrive at school before the morning bell.
While this is a struggle for many parents and caregivers, for those of us raising kids with anxiety, ADHD, autism and other disabilities, it can be a Herculean task. While yes, we do have unicorn days when the stars align and we make it to school on time, too often we have to navigate many stressors to get out the door.
If you can relate to what I’m saying, read on. If you’re shaking your head thinking that’s all children, definitely read on as I’m about to pull back the curtain of a typical morning in my household and why getting to school on time is such a challenge.
Sensory overload
I was never really aware of how compounding smells, sights, sounds and textures can be until I learned about sensory processing disorder. Whereas I may be able to tune out the neighbour cutting their grass, the dog barking, the smells of the coffee or the texture of my shirt, most mornings these overwhelm my child.
While I do my best to minimize sensory overload, it can be hard to avoid. Especially when my child hears and smells things that I can’t. What didn’t bother them yesterday can set off a meltdown today.
On a typical morning we set out breakfast for our child, based upon their safe foods. We keep our conversations low while starting our day. When our child comes downstairs, they may or may not choose to eat breakfast (today they don’t like cereal despite eating a bowl of it yesterday).
When it comes to getting dressed, the next challenge is navigating clothing textures. Despite having a drawerful of approved socks, it can take a few tries to find a pair that fit without scratching or bumps or a lose thread. Same goes with the school uniform. Some days they try on four pairs of pants before finding a comfortable pair.
As we work through the morning routine, navigating sensory input, as the clock keeps on ticking.
Task switching
Next, it’s time to brush teeth. The common response - stop rushing me!!
Moving my child from eating to dressing to teeth brushing is a lot of tasks. Each one needs front loading, patience and time – while the clock continues to tick away.
Task switching is a huge challenge for many kids. The more tasks, the greater the pressure. Add to it an urgency to get out the door, and the pressure only mounts – for everyone. Depending on the day, there may need to be long breaks between the tasks.
One thing I’ve learned (over and over again) is the more pressure I put on my child, the slower they will go. Reminding them of what time we need to leave or telling them to hurry up, can trigger a meltdown. While these tasks may seem routine to me, they can be very stressful to my child.
Change of routine
Another morning challenge is navigating any change of routine. Monday mornings are particularly fun. After two days of having little demands, all of a sudden, I’m moving my child from task to task, with a close eye on the clock.
Other routine stressors include special days at school. While some kids might enjoy pyjama days or other “fun” days, my kid hates them. Why do I have to wear a red shirt today – I just want to wear my uniform.
Or better yet, when the “fun” has started when we arrive at school. These are the days where there might be music playing in the parking lot when kids arrive or special activities that start at the bell. Some of you know where this is going – sensory overload before my child even gets through the front door.
External pressure
Now here’s the biggest stressor for me as a parent – the helpful emails or conversations with teachers reminding me of the importance of my child being punctual. I’ve had many teachers talk to me about making a bigger effort to get my child to school on time.
AGGHHHHH!!!! This is where my internal voice is screaming at full volume.
The judgement I get from other parents and school staff is astonishing (but I’m sure relatable to many of you). You can’t hold neurodivergent students to the same standard as neurotypical. Our mornings are nowhere close to comparable.
My child also feels this pressure (as I’m sure their teacher has spoken to them about the importance of punctuality). On the days that we arrive to an empty schoolyard, my child will immediately start panicking about getting in trouble for being late.
This further slows down the process.
After taking many deep breaths, with one eye on the clock and the other on my child, I’m forced to slow down further – just when I can see the school door. And then comes the walk of shame, signing my child in late and mumbling another excuse. I try to avoid looking at the days late and days absent count on their report card, as it only causes more stress.
With my child finally dropped off at school (sometimes an hour after school has started), the mad rush begins to start my work day. There’s no time to breathe, drink a hot coffee or eat my own breakfast as I’m behind on my own work.
As we start a new school year, with new teachers and a new routine, I’m going to let go of some of the guilt and accept that my child will be late for school – likely more often than they are on time. While I will try to explain the why to their teachers, I’m also going to accept that not everyone will understand. And that’s okay.
At the end of the day, I know my child – their stretches, strengths and limitations. I also know the difference between having a good, okay or stressful morning is knowing when to push and when to hold back.
While I’d love to see less than 20 days late on the report card, I will be grateful for the days they attend school and not stress about the mornings that aren’t perfect. It is what it is.
