Blame is Easy. Supporting Moms is Harder (and More Important)

When I was pregnant, I followed all the rules. I didn’t eat soft cheeses, sushi, luncheon meat, limited my caffeine intake, and more.

My first pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage – which of course I blamed myself for. I doubled down on following the rules for subsequent pregnancies, wanting to do everything “right.” The result: two babies and one more miscarriage.

Even when you follow the rules, the outcomes can be different from your expectations.

I wasn’t prepared for having a baby in the NICU on a CPAC machine (delivering much-needed oxygen), experiencing significant pre and post-natal health complications or any of the other curve balls we were thrown.

Blame mentality

When my youngest was a toddler, they needed to have teeth pulled due to the lack of enamel formation. I remember going to the paediatric dentist and being quizzed about my cocaine use during pregnancy. Yup. That’s right. It had to be mom’s fault that my child had dental issues.

Let me be clear – I did not take cocaine during pregnancy (or ever in my life). Being a high-risk pregnancy, I had weekly check-ins with my OB and spent the last two months of my pregnancy in a hospital bed, under the close supervision of doctors and nurses. All of this was well-documented.

I was taken aback that the dentist’s first reaction was to blame mom instead of digging deeper. We later learned the lack of enamel was related to a medical condition.

Sadly, this wouldn’t be the last time I was blamed. You see, blaming moms has become the easy go-to.

Easy cop outs

Fast forward to today, and I’m raising two incredible teenagers. But yet again, I’m reading in the news that it’s my fault for having an autistic child.

Let me be clear that there’s nothing wrong with having an autistic child. My child is smart, funny, has lots to say about their favourite topics and has helped me grow as a mom and person.  

To have a complex neurodiversity be blamed on how a mother manages pain or fevers during pregnancy, is just another nail in the hearts of moms.

There are many organizations who have dispelled the Tylenol link with autism, including Health Canada, so I won’t bother debunking it here. Rather, my concern is the knee jerk reaction to blame mothers when anything differs from societal norms (which can be shifted to meet the interests of the person who defines the norms).

Full plates

While it can be tempting to take each attack personally, as moms we need to push back. In my journey as advocate and helping others strengthen their advocacy skills, I’ve met many mothers and mother figures who are doing their best to raise their kids.

These women have a lot on their plates. Often juggling work, family demands, raising a child with additional medical and/or behavioural needs while getting no shortage of judgement from family members, friends, teachers and strangers.

Our plates are full and the self-doubt voice in our heads is loud enough without society looking for easy ways to blame moms.

It’s funny. Even though we know genetics has a lot to do with many medical conditions, we rarely see the finger pointed at dads. Hmm. I wonder why that is.

Know your truth

If you’ve made it this far and can relate to what I’m saying, please know that you are doing your best. You’ve likely read the books, watched YouTube videos, attended IEP meetings and looked for ways that you can best support your child.

I encourage you to tune out the noise and ignore the blame game. It can be tough – but none of us needs any more guilt on our plates. They’re already overflowing.

You see, blaming mothers only causes more harm. And implying our kids are less than perfect, is wrong.

While I hope we can one day move away from the blame game, I know that’s not likely as it’s an easy way out for people who lack the education or interest in getting to the root causes.

You are not along. Moms don’t need more guilt – we need more support, more understanding and more truth. Blame is the easy way out. Love, advocacy and acceptance are harder – but far more meaningful – path.