Burning Bridges or Building Change? Why Effective Advocacy Takes Time

Many of us get into advocacy because of necessity, not choice. Very few of us have the option of dipping our toe into the advocacy journey. Rather, we’re forced to jump fully in to advocate for ourselves or a loved one.

While urgency is often the force behind advocacy, it’s important to remember that advocacy is a long-term game, not about short-term wins. Sure, we want, and sometime need the short-term wins, but only focusing on the immediate need can compromise the long-term goal.

Here’s an example in my personal advocacy journey. We live in a small community with much overlap between health care providers, educators and others who interact with my child. This is always top of mind when I’m advocating.  

Approaching a situation in full momma bear mode may result in a short-term win (and allow me to release some steam) but I’m likely going to blow up bridges along the way. And these are bridges I will definitely need in my long-term advocacy journey.

Relationship building

The key to my success in being an advocate is the relationships I’ve built over time. As my child has complex medical needs, there are many medical professionals, educators and other supports we access, and will continue to access, for many years to come.

With my eye on the long-term journey, I’ve taken the time to build relationships with the people who support my child. Does this mean I go to coffee with each of them and know their life’s history? No. What it does mean is I take the time to listen to their point of view, ask questions to learn more and try to connect with them on a personal level.

I’m looking for ways to strengthen our relationship, versus just getting what I need out of every interaction.  

Respectful conversations

This is why I think it’s so important to approach each conversation with respect. I’ve had many healthcare providers and educators share with me stories of parents/caregivers bullying their way through conversations. I’ve also seen it myself in meetings.

Again, while this might help you get your way in the short-term, as you steamroll others, it will harm you in the long-term.

Does this mean I always agree with what’s being said or don’t push back? Absolutely not.

When I have a different viewpoint, I look for ways to be respectful in how I approach it. Sometimes it starts with putting on a curiosity mindset. This means asking questions to understand what the other person is saying. Such as – tell me more, can you help me understand how you got there, I’m curious why you think that.

Not everyone is articulate in their thoughts. Since advocacy is often heavy with emotions, we don’t always hear what the other person is saying (due to our own filters) or the person may stumble through their words as they’re uncomfortable with the conversation.

Grounding your conversation in respect - respect for the other person and respect for your own viewpoint – can help navigate tough conversations.

Team approach

I’ve rarely encountered an advocacy situation where I didn’t benefit from the support of team members. It’s pretty easy for a mom to be written off as being too emotional, or that parent.

This is why I draw upon my child’s team to help me in my advocacy journey.

When my child started kindergarten, before they had an autism diagnosis, I had to advocate to get EA (educational assistant) support at school. While I had no problem stating my case, I knew I needed to tap into my child’s team to reinforce what I was asking.

After conversations with each person, I was able to give the school a package of letters from doctors and therapists clearly outlining my child’s diagnoses, their specific needs and recommended supports.

This team approach left no questions about my child’s needs, as well as safety risks if they went unsupported. The result – EA support.

Going back to relationships, I was able to get these letters quickly due to the relationships I had developed. The team members knew the importance of their support, that I wouldn’t be asking unless it was necessary, and the urgency of the situation. Again – if we had a combative relationship, I’m not sure the letters would have been turned around as quickly.

Picking your battles  

This is a big one for me and one that took me awhile to learn. When you’re busy advocating, it can be easy to be swept up in the advocacy – wanting to fight every battle.

But here’s the thing. Not every battle is worth fighting.

Looking at the long-term goal, sometimes it’s better to let things slide. Ask yourself – how important is it for me to be right? What is the cost of me being right? Sometimes the cost isn’t worth the effort.

It’s also important you conserve your energy (another lesson that took time for me to learn). If you’re a regular advocate, you’re likely carrying a heavy emotional load supporting yourself and/or your loved one.

This is why it’s so important to be clear on what battles are worth fighting and what ones you need to sit out. If you waste your energy on the small battles, you’ll have no energy left to fight the important battles.

Being strategic on where I spend my time advocating has made a huge difference to my mental health.

There was a time that I chaired a committee, wrote letters to politicians, made myself openly available to chat with other parents/caregivers and gave until I bled. It wasn’t until I was emotionally bleeding out that I realized this wasn’t a healthy way to help others or my child.

After taking time to regroup, I got clear on my advocacy priorities in the short and long term.

I started by pulling my child from the public education system. I realized how much energy I was spending advocating in a system that is about getting through the day versus setting kids up for success.

I then re-evaluated how I gave of my time. Instead of playing whack a mole, I decided to be strategic.

Now I focus on giving workshops to help others strengthen their advocacy skills, writing blogs and doing podcast interviews. I prioritize activities that allow me to reach more people while spending less emotional energy.

Again, making the shift from looking for short-term wins to how can I support my child’s long-term success has been transformative.

So, the next time you’re gearing up for battle, think – what relationships do I need to foster, how can I have a respectful conversation, what team members can I draw upon for support and, most importantly, is this a battle worth having? If the answer is yes, suit up. If no, save your energy for the battles that are truly important.