The Holidays in Survival Mode: How to Care for Yourself While Supporting Your Autistic Child

I have to admit, I struggle each holiday season. While, on paper, the wacky clothes days at school, holiday get togethers and family outings, seem like fun, the reality is they’re incredibly dysregulating for my autistic child and our family.

Each December is a month of meltdowns, irregular sleeping patterns, and early pickups from school (from more meltdowns). The change in routine, that took months to establish, causes chaos not fun.

I know I’m not alone in carrying a heavy emotional load over the holiday season.

As much as I’m struggling, my autistic child is in survival mode.

So, what can be done to not only support our kids, but also make sure we, as caregivers, don’t fall apart along the way?

Less is more

We’re fortunate that we live thousands of kilometres from our nearest family members. It’s a blessing and a curse. While there are times that I miss having grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins nearby, I’m grateful to not have to juggle family obligations over the holidays.  

This has given me more freedom to adopt the less is more approach.

I get exhausted watching friends take their kids to endless Christmas activities. For our family, we pick one or two low sensory activities. And even those can be overwhelming.  

This year we were only five minutes into a Christmas event organized by our local autism society when my child had a meltdown. Even though the event was held in a quiet space, the anxiety about attending the event, navigating the parking lot, waiting in line and finding the room was enough to overload my child.

What should have been an enjoyable one-hour outing, turned into an epic four-hour meltdown which took two days to recover from.

While I’d love to do another Christmas activity, I know this might not be the year. Instead, the best we can hope for is a quiet night of looking at Christmas lights in our car, sipping hot chocolate.

I’ve given up on the Hallmark perfect Christmas and am embracing the activities that work for us.  

Don’t aim for perfect

Like many parents and caregivers, I’ve spent years prioritizing my kids while trying to juggle way too many holiday balls. I’ve since learned to let go of being perfect.

For example, we were recently invited to a Christmas open house where each guest was asked to bring a goodie to share. With my energy focused on supporting my child through a rough patch, instead of stressing about what to bring I looked at how I could simplify my contribution.

The answer – ordering a dessert from a local bakery. No guilt. Just relief of having one less task to accomplish.

Prioritize your mental health

As I mentioned, this has been a rocky season of meltdowns and hormones. I find myself spending countless hours each week helping my autistic teenager emotionally regulate.

I’m exhausted.  

Having been down this road before, and likely will be again, I’m trying to find ways to carve out time for me. This is essential so that I can have the energy needed to help my child.

While I’d love to have a massage or go for coffee with a friend, neither are possible right now. Rather, my self-care involves drinking my coffee in-front of the fireplace, watching a Christmas movie curled up on the couch with my kids and going for daily walks when they’re at school.

I’ve learned the hard way what happens when I don’t prioritize my mental health.

Embrace saying no

Another way I preserve my energy is being strategic on what I say yes to. This year it meant prioritizing a get together with two friends who are raising neurodivergent children.

The reason – I could be my honest self with them. I didn’t have to pretend to be excited about the holidays or downplay the stress in our home. Rather, I could honestly share my experience and knew they truly understood the journey we’re currently on navigating puberty, meltdowns and fatigue.

I was also okay saying no to invitations that would result in more disruption to our family routine. It’s just not worth the stress right now.

Ask for help

My final piece of advice is don’t be afraid to ask for help. Raising an autistic or neurodivergent child can be lonely, exhausting and oh so rewarding.

I make sure I schedule appointments with my counsellor every December and January, to help me navigate this tough season.

Remember – you need to put on your own oxygen mask to help others. And taking time to rest, saying no to outings and asking for help will help you have the energy to get through the holidays.

As much as I’m looking forward to sleeping in over the school closure, I’m even more excited to return to a normal routine in January. Until then, lots of coffee, deep breaths and lightening my load, where possible.