Who’s Caring for the Caregivers?

As I write this article, I’m going through a heavy season. A season of caring for a child who’s struggling with their mental health. A season of clearing out my childhood home for its new owners while trying to support elderly parents from a far. A season of advocating for an autistic sibling who’s struggling with life’s changes.

It’s a season that’s taking a toll on my own mental health.

I recognize I’m not alone in navigating a journey that some days comes with more potholes and detours than a clear path to follow. It’s a journey where it can be hard to imagine the next week, much less the next day or even hour.

In my struggle to find mental health support for my child (which is a series of long waitlists), it’s become very clear that my husband and I are being left to carry this load alone. There’s no support in the immediate future.

Talk doesn’t equal action

Despite lots of talk from government funded organizations about prioritizing mental health in youth, there’s a shockingly scarce amount of resources. And the onus to find any of these resources falls squarely on parents and caregivers – who are already overstretched trying to support their loved one.

When reaching out for help to find these scare resources, I’m either given a link to a website (which takes precious time to find any useful information), put on a waitlist, or told someone will call me – but no idea of who, and the phone never rings.

It takes its toll at a time my energy is at its lowest.

Discomfort = silence

Adding to the heavy load is the discomfort people tend to have when it comes to talking about tough emotional issues. And how challenging it can be for those of us going through tough seasons to talk about our journey.

It’s not that I’m ashamed or want to put on a brave face. Rather, I just don’t have the energy for the conversation.  

This is why I want to scream when I see people post on Mental Health Day – “My coffee pot is on. Come by if you want to talk.” Or “Just reach out and let me know what you need.”

Passive support

Aggh!!! When people are struggling, it’s hard to reach out. Don’t put the onus on us. Step up!

As I navigate my turbulent journey, of those in my life who are aware of what’s happening, one three people have asked me how I’m doing – truly doing. None of which are family members (besides my spouse who’s also on this rollercoaster).

While many of these people would be quick to say – let me know if you need anything – their silence indicates otherwise.  

But you look okay

Yesterday, while visiting a friend, their spouse looked me in the eye and said – “how are you doing? Truly doing.” I almost broke down crying. That’s all it took.

I replied – you know you’re the first person to ask me that in a very long time. Thank you.

We then chatted about why people don’t ask caregivers if they’re okay. He said it goes beyond people being uncomfortable with the conversation. It’s also, as caregivers, when we’re juggling so many balls, people on the outside make the false assumption we have everything under control.

He said this is especially challenging for people who are known for juggling a lot of balls. In my situation I’m an entrepreneur, professional speaker, consultant, advocate, mom and more. On any given day, I’m juggling a lot.

The challenge is – at some point there are just too many balls for one person to juggle. But what that point is can be hard for those on the outside to decipher. Heck, even I don’t always know until a ball is dropped.

Don’t assume – check-in

So how do caregivers get the support they need so they can continue to be there for their loved ones?

I think it begins with the people in our lives, who truly care about us, to step up to the plate. Lean into those tough conversations. Don’t just superficially ask how we’re doing and accept fine as an answer. Be like my friend’s husband – look us in the eye, ask us how we’re truly doing, then give us space to answer instead of awkwardly moving on to something else.

Also, recognize that the amount of load we can carry varies and it can take a feather to topple that load. While we may have been fine navigating this journey a week ago, that might not be the case today.  

Small kindnesses matter

And finally, don’t discount the value of small acts of kindness. A friend recently made plans to go for a walk with me. When she arrived, my child was spiraling so I couldn’t leave. Instead of retreating in discomfort, she went for a short walk, giving my child space to calm down, then came back to sit with me.

She had a cup of tea and visited, while my child clung to my side. Just having her there, looking me in the eye and silently acknowledging my situation meant a lot.

She later texted me saying – I see how much you are doing and the toll it is taking.

It was the nod that I needed.

Don’t assume caregivers have supportive family members, who are checking in on them. Often, we do not. Don’t assume they will call if they need anything. We’re too tired to reach out. Don’t assume our loved one is getting the support they need. They’re likely lingering in waitlist purgatory.

What you can assume is that you showing up, no matter how small, matters. It matters a lot.

And for you caregivers who are struggling. I see you. While I can’t be there to give you strength or share your load. I see you. The load you’re carrying is heavy but important.  And so are you.